Every so often, I forget why I do not under any circumstances watch Red Sox games. I don't know why I have to continually relearn this, but classical conditioning has perplexingly failed to kick in. But I do have to stop sometime--the strain on my heart is hazardous to my health.
And now, without further ado...
Things that were said during tonight's Red Sox Game:
ANDY: "What I need is a box, with buttons on it, and each button has the name of a Red Sox player on it, and when I press that button, that player gets struck by lightning. JOHNNY DAMON!!! BOOM!!!"
"Some people run out on the field naked and go 'whoo!!' I want to run out on the field and just bitch-slap Derek Lowe."
"Thank you...TROT...(in evil dictator voice)Trot gets clemency. Clemency for...Trot."
"The Yankees sold their soul to Satan. We sold our soul to a Puerto Rican guy named Manny who said he *knew* Satan.(in heavy Puerto Rican-esque accent'Yah, mang, you want I'll hook you up, we win the baseball game'."
"I have to pee...If a meteor lands on the Yankees' dugout, let me know."
KELLIE: "A guy gets walked, we can tell our kids, 'See, we got on base! That's *our* team'."
ANDY:" 'This is what children in other cities get to see'."
ANDY: "I love how, in November, when the Sox aren't even playing anymore, there'll be a spontaneous chant of 'Yankees Suck' in some bar."
KELLIE: "Or dorm."
ANDY: "Or church."
Another fun aspect of tonight's game was coming up with a list of...
You Know You're Watching a Red Sox Game When...
...You're culred up in the fetal position crying by the third inning.
...At least once in the course of the game, at least one person in the room will have cause to remenisce about Billy Buckner.
...You talk smack about every player on the home team, but if someone from outside the area said the same thing, you'd fight them.
...At least once in the course of the game, you all engage in collective fantasizing about the riots that would ensue "If They Ever Won the Series."
...The sportscaster can only compare a sweetheart catch by the other team's outfielder to a play by Dwight Evans in the 1975 World Series.
...At least once in the course of the game, the phrases, "and no one is covering first"; "and the ball is dropped"; and/or "where was --insert name here-- on that one?" will be heard from the press box.
...They run out of good things to say about the team and instead resort to saying things like, "Well, all blown saves are not created equal."
...Baseball often turns into dodgeball. With us, as usual, losing.
...One of your guys takes a fastball to the stomach, and you're just glad to have gotten on base.
...The team can be down five runs in the top of the 9th, and no one has switched the channel or left the stadium.
...Even with a three-run lead, someone will have cause to say, in all seriousness, "Yeah, but it's only the 8th inning."
...The score is often as follows: 3--0 in the fifth, them; 6--3 in the seventh, us; and 7-6 in double overtime, for a loss.
Oh, and By the (Yawkey) Way...
Tonight on Sportscenter following the Sox-Yankees matchup it was announced that 845 games have been played between the Sox and Yankees in both teams' histories. There have been four ties...420 Yankee wins...and, as of tonight, 421 Red Sox wins.