Dirt Dogs has been keeping track of the story that the Sox were attempting to claim Roger Clemens off waivers this past week. According to Dirt Dogs (which has been wrong in the past, *cough*), the Sox would not give up Kevin Youkilis. More on that in a moment.
But last night as once again I headed back from yet another school committee meeting (I must have done something evil in a past life) I heard Mike Adams and a Patriot Ledger reporter filling in for Ted Serandis during the off-night, actually seriously discussing the possibility of Roger returning to Boston.
Things actually came out of their mouths like, "Well, how are you going to top 4,000 strikeouts and 300 wins? Why, you come back to Boston and help lead them to the Promised Land. Of course!"
And, "You know, I think it would be really great for Roger's career to come full circle."
Ridiculous. So ridiculous, in fact, that I felt compelled to research synonyms for the word ridiculous in order to adequately describe the scorn I feel for this idea and anyone seriously discussing it:
bizarre comic comical contemptible daffy derisory farcical fool-headed foolish gelastic goofy grotesque harebrained impossible incredible jerky laughable ludicrous nonsensical nutty outrageous preposterous risible sappy silly slaphappy stupid unbelievable wacky
And there's more where that came from.
The only information I have any real use for in this whole debacle (and I'll be glad when he finally retires for real, if only because we as Red Sox fans can stop having Roger-related debacles) is the idea that the Sox want to hang on to Youkilis.
Problem: we already have a third baseman. My favorite hottie, Billy Mueller. He's, um, you know, not a bad player. You know, like AL batting champ last year. He's also a veteran.
But Youkilis. We love him. We've already adopted him, and until Hanley Ramirez gets old enough to shave (or whatever), we're going to need someone to fill the Nomar hole.
Let me reiterate: we love Youkilis. We love that lantern-jawed motherfucker. Who knows why, but it may be because we haven't had the satisfaction of intoning, basso profundo, a nickname that sounds like "Boo!" since Dwight Evans. Maybe because the guy always seems to come through in the clutch on a team that, this season, has been notoriously clutchless. Maybe because he seems like an all-American, cornfed homeboy with a sweet disposition, and maybe we need his mild manner (and strong play) to cure our Nomar-intensity hangover.
Or maybe it's because this year, in 178 plate appearances, he's posted the following numbers (according to ESPN.com)
BA OBP SLG OPS .281 .384 .461 .845
In the last seven days it's been .308 / .400 / .538 / .938.
And is projected to wind up at .281 / .384 / .461 / .845.
Not Nomar. But not bad.
Billy, meanwhile, has the following numbers:
This year, in 282 at bats--
BA OBP SLG OPS .284 .363 .457 .821
Last seven days: .455 / .556 / .727 / 1.283
Projected: .284 / .363 / .457 / .821
Career: .292 / .374 / .425 / .798
Billy is also 33 years old, with a $2.1 million salary. Youks is 25, with a $500,000 salary (granted, he's been kind of a AAAA player this year, and that number will certainly rise).
Ask me what the kicker is.
Here's the kicker.
In 104 fewer plate appearances, Youkilis' BA is only three points below Mueller's. And he's hit just two fewer home runs--7 to Mueller's 9. Mueller has just 12 more RBI than Youks on the season.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Goodbye, Billy. I'll miss your cute butt.