Sox Fan FAQ
When I graduated from high school, I was asked the same questions so often--"Where are you going to school?" "Why are you going for fine arts?" "Do you have a date for the prom?"--that in a fit of pique, I finally sat down and designed a "Time Saver T-Shirt" that had either handy answers, multiple choice selections or fill-in-the-blank templates to help field those pesky questions. Having already heard about my fill of stupid questions and asinine comments both before and after the Sox won the Series, I will take this moment to print my standard answers for each, so that I don't have to keep repeating them.
Do you feel that your identity has changed as a Bostonian, as a Red Sox fan, or as a viable human being?
Yes. For the better.
Do you think you'll lose interest in your team now that you're no longer on this Quixotic campaign for a championship?
Didn't happen with the Patriots. If anything, I love those goofy bastards even more. Before it was like a little hard nugget of tortured love in my heart. Now it's molten and...I'm aborting this metaphor before it comes even more monstrous. I didn't sleep at all last night. Sorry.
What are you going to have to complain about now?
Yankees fans, not getting to watch any baseball for the next 165 days, Curt Schilling revisionists, and Yankees fans.
Are you finally going to stop blaming the Yankees for all of your problems?
The good news: yes. The bad news (if you're a Yankees fan): it's because we will now devote ourselves full-time to kicking your ass.
You guys spent more than any other team in World Series history, including the Yankees. How do you justify that after all the harping Sox fans have done about the Yankees' payroll?
I don't know. What was your rationalization back when the Yankees held the payroll record before us?
What about the riots? Doesn't that make you all look bad?
Okay. Look at our players. We have one Harley-riding cowboy in aviator shades; one unnaturally gangly sinkerball headcase pitcher; one third baseman I'd personally like to undress with my teeth; one Jolly Green Giant named Papi; one Jheri-curled prima donna; and a freakin' Dominican midget. And that's just 25 guys. When you think of the millions and millions of people in Red Sox Nation, it's difficult to characterize such a diverse group of people with one general description, period. So the fact that some imbeciles decided to climb the Green Monster doesn't mean that the vast, vast majority of us weren't simply holed up in our homes, crying like babies and being completely law-abiding citizens at the time.
You guys still need 20 championships to catch up to the Yankees.
Uh, no we don't. One has sufficed. Or hadn't you noticed?
Curt Schilling faked / exaggerated his injury.
Yeah, and A-Rod faked his karate chop.
Did them winning on the road diminish the feeling? Wouldn't you rather have won at home?
Frankly, I'd fear for the players' safety if they were to win while physically in the city of Boston. I fear for their safety at the parade, even. People might still try to take pieces of them home for souvenirs. In a way, winning on the road was probably for the best.
Wasn't it too easy? Wouldn't it have been better for it to have been a competitive, seven-game, classic Series?
I think we've had plenty of those. A good old-fashioned routing is what we've never seen before.
Do you feel sorry for the Cardinals?
Do you think they'll sign Varitek / Pedro / Lowe next year?
And you ask me if Boston's fanbase has really changed. Could we take a day please?
Do you think the curse is broken?
Hard to break something that doesn't exist.
What contributed to the World Series victory after 86 years?
1) The fact that black and Latino men now play on our team--which took a while, especially during the Yawkey Era. Think about it. The team that turned away Jackie Robinson those many years ago would never have signed Pedro, Manny, Ortiz, Cabrera, Pokey, Johnny (half-Thai), Nomar, Ricky Guitierrez...that's a huge chunk of the team right there. Well. Maybe except Guitierrez.
2) The fact that someone in Boston finally realized that pitching wins championships.
3) The fact that the organization traded Nomar. Not because Nomar was bad, but because they proved they were willing to slay the golden calf for the ultimate goal. That kind of thing is something the former regimes would never have even considered. They'd have either let him hang around until he became a relic, or let him go eventually for absolutely nothing but some PR spin about being in the "twilight of his career."
4) Here's what DIDN'T: some dorky kid getting his teeth broken by a foul ball; the 1918 penny they found on the beer stand; various "Reverse the Curse" products; anyone's lucky chair / shirt / ritual, although these last do assuage the stress of postseason baseball.
Don't you wish they'd faced the Astros? Wouldn't Roger Clemens have been an interesting character in all this?
Maybe for people who need a reason to watch the World Series. For me, I'd take winning over interesting.
What would you like to see happen now that they've won?
I'll do this as a Top Ten:
10) The Red Sox showing up in a big appearance at Gillette Stadium like the Pats did at Fenway when they won.
9) Metric shitloads of souvenir materials released to market and readily available, including but not limited to: hats, t-shirts, sweatshirts, keychains, coffee mugs, desktop wallpapers, screen savers, shot glasses, books, DVDs, and magazines. Oh, and some ESPN Classic slots would be nice also.
8) Terry Francona getting his due.
7) Actual footage of Manny's trip to Disney World.
6) Millar riding his hog in the victory parade with Manny riding bitch.
5) An utter overdose of man-hugs.
4) Orlando Cabrera screaming, I USED TO PLAY FOR THE EXPOS!! I USED TO PLAY FOR THE FUCKING EXPOS!! over and over again.
3) Pokey yelling, "We got bingo!"
2) April 11, 2005: The Red Sox hoist their championship banner with the New York Yankees in the visiting dugout.
1) One word: Again.