I HATE JIMMY FALLON
e-mail sent to Bill Simmons: I feel like the woman in "Jaws" watching the shark patrol a dinner-filled water unable to find the words to scream. As the entire Red Sox Nation was celebrating with tears of joy and thoughts of our fathers and grandfathers, there was Jimmy Fallon running around the field with Drew Barrymore mere seconds after the last out, whooping it up like they personally dismatled the Evil Empire and beyond. WORSE, they were on the field filming the new ending of their movie. They should be ashamed of themselves. And every single person in the chain of command who gave them permission to do so should write a letter of apology in blood to every Red Sox fan on the planet.
No, even that wouldn't be enough. They spoiled the one moment I never thought I would live to see by taking a big steamer in the church of The We Finally Won Moment. I will never complain about Ben Affleck again. What Jimmy Fallon did is worse. And unforgivable. I will not see this movie. I will not ever support a single project that he is involved with. I cannot find the words to do justice for what he has done to disrespect our cherished moment. Please support me in hoping this movie, and his career, are flushed down the toilet much like what he's done to our Moment.
-- Peter McCarty, Chicago
Amen, brother, Amen.
Dear Jimmy Fallon:
You aren't funny on Saturday Night Live. Seriously. The only remotely funny thing that you've ever done is the Boston sketch, and it's mostly Rachel Dretch that's funny in that particular instance. You seem to be making a ton of money and enjoying plenty of fame for reasons that remain unclear.
But that's fine. You're in great company, after all. Many of your fellow SNL cast members share the same distinction. I have been content to let you live in peace...until now.
Jimmy Fallon, get your talentless, wannabe hands OFF my Boston Red Sox.
According to your website, you were "born in Brooklyn and raised upstate in Saugerties, near Woodstock." Since then, as far as I can tell, just about everywhere you've worked or lived has had little to even do with Boston, or Massachusetts, or even New England.
Aside from caricaturing Bostonians on your little sketch, and starring in a no-doubt terrible movie with Drew Barrymore (who I'd start a separate rant about, but it would probably overload the Internet) about the Red Sox (adding to the commercialization of Red Sox fans that's led to nationwide backlash, thanks buddy!), it's difficult for me to figure out exactly where you get off proclaiming yourself a Red Sox fan starting in August of 2004.
That's not how it works, Jim. You don't just latch on when the Sox are doing well. You don't just use your celebrity to score some juicy box seats next to Ben Affleck for a World Series game or walk around in a Dirt Dogs T-shirt and suddenly become RSN's celebrity hood ornament.
At least Affleck grew up in Cambridge. At least Affleck knows his ass from his elbow when it comes to baseball. You didn't even know enough to stay the everliving fuck off the field and away from the team during their World Series celebration. During their World Series celebration, you asshole. Anyone worthy of a Dirt Dogs shirt would never have perpetrated such a travesty.
I realize this is probably a little harsh. It's probably not your fault you symbolize all that may become wrong with Red Sox Nation from this point forward. But really, think of all the teams who could use a sudden "fan" that would benefit from your support and celebrity. The new team heading to Washington, D.C., for example. Get in on the ground floor with that one! Or the Detroit Tigers--they may be headed for the postseason sometime within your natural lifetime, you never know.
Look, sometimes dealing with Affleck alone is tough enough. But at least he's got the credibility of having defended Pedro Martinez on The Best Damn Sports Show after the Zimmer Incident last year. At least he was there, publicly wincing, through last year's ALCS.
Really, if you have any genuine respect for the Red Sox and their true fans, you'll leave us all alone.