That is IT. That is IT!!
I fucking hate Barbara Walters.
I was led to believe (Ahem) that my very own No. 38 was going to be The Most Fascinating Person of 2004. So I actually went against one of the central tenets of my personal hybrid religion, and sat down to watch a show that meets any of the following criteria:
1. It is entitled The [Superlative][Noun][s] of [Year]. 2. There's a "surprise" ending. 3. It involves Barbara Walters. 4. It involves Oprah. 5. It involves both Barbara Walters and Oprah.
6. It involves Paris Hilton, who I must just say is possibly the least fascinating person who has ever existed
But there was Curt. Curt on his crutches, Curt with his ankle, reliving the blood-drenched guts and grit of The Curt. And I was led to believe (Ahem) that Curt would be the NUMBA WON BABA WAWA PERSON ON TEH SHOW!!11!!!!@!!!.
And so I watched. Not only did I watch, I watched the whole thing. I didn't even switch channels, on the off chance that somehow the justice of the universe had been tampered with once again by George Steinbrenner (who secretly owns ABC, 20/20 and Baba Wawa herself, don't you know) and Curt was...not number 1.
Well, ok. So there was Baba babbling about the Boba Bed Sawx. She had specifically stated that TEH NUMBA WON BABA WAWA PERSON ON TEH SHOW!!!!111!!! would be appearing at the end. So through her interminable interviews, including a flirtation with Usher, who is young enough to be her great granchild, which scarred me for life, I waited with crossed fingers and squeezed-shut eyes, praying that the next guest would not be Curt.
And then, there it was, the Boba Bed Sawx, and my hopes were crushed. Curt's supremacy in all things would not be acknowledged.
And Paris Goddamned Hilton had not yet been interviewed.
I waited with white knuckles following the few moments of canned highlights and non-questions and non-answers by Baba and Curt, respectively, just to see if Baba would dare name Paris Hilton, who makes Ivana Trump look like Eleanor Roosevelt, TEH NUMBA WON BABA WAWA PERSON ON TEH SHOW!!!!111!!!
Steve and Andy tried to explain it to me. See, I don't think she's actually named the person who will be the number one. See, I think it's supposed to be a surprise, they said.
No. I refused to believe it. I hoped against hope that the previous hour or so of unholy dreck I'd waded through would culminate in a review of the interviewees as candidates, and maybe, just maybe...
She picked Karl Rove.
She picked Karl Rove.
Ever see an old Warner Bros. cartoon, where a character that is either completely shocked and appalled or pants-wettingly frightened by something in front of them, usually a cat-type character, will leap off the ground, hair bristling all over their body, with simply two exclamation points--
!!in their thought bubble?
That was me when TEH NUMBA WON BABA WAWA PERSON ON TEH SHOW!!!!111!!! turned out to be KARL ROVE.
I mean seriously, Karl Rove.
Oh, Curt. The things I do for you.