Cursed To First - Sox and Pats forever.

High Roller As we speak,

High Roller

As we speak, Curt Schilling is throwing the Red-Sox-starved a bone by playing in the Bravo's "Celebrity Poker Showdown".

It seems like all he's been doing lately is glancing at his cards, looking frustrated, rubbing his face so that his World Series ring gleams in the light, flinging the hand down and folding.

The rubbing the face thing. That's his tell. Especially if he pushes his hat up and swipes at his forehead. I watched him do that night after night on the mound. Wiping one hand across his mouth and then scratching at his nose with his thumb, that's a sign he has a good hand. It's so obvious. Because the forehead thing, that's what happened in Game 1 of the ALCS, and Game 6, and Game 2 of the World Series, when he was hurting and struggling. The hand across the mouth and the thumb to the nose, that was common with a full count and a batter that looked about to wet his pants, as Curt turned to come set and finish him off.

Probably it's a good thing his opponents aren't stalkers Red Sox fans.

Kellie called a few minutes ago to make sure I was watching. "Your man's winning!" she said excitedly.

"What, no he's not!?" I looked back at the TV. I know nothing about poker whatsoever, so I could have been wrong.

"But he's the chips leader!" Kellie cried.

"Right, but they just said that everyone at the table had been the chips leader so far, at one time or another," I replied.

"You know, Beth..." Kellie said, after a pause. "We need to work on your 'happy skills'."

Meanwhile, Curt just folded. Again.

I'd much rather watch him pitch. This poker thing is just a tease.

P.S. Brad Garrett just put on a Yankees cap. Curt just sort of smiled at him. This could get much more interesting.

P.P.S. Curt lost. He hobbled on his crutches into the Loser's Lounge. He raised $5000 for the S.H.A.D.E. Foundation, but he is PISSED. Which is, of course, why I love him.

"Whelp." One of the commentators said, as he hobbled along. "Looks like this just isn't your year."

Squee.

I Needed to Share Click

I Needed to Share

Click

Untitled ...because I harbored even

Untitled

...because I harbored even for a second the stupid thought of titling this post something like, "Love thy Enemy" or "Wouldn't Wish it on my Worst Enemy" or something that would make light of what is not a funny or remotely baseball-related situation.

Fuck Boston vs. New York. Larry Mahnken is a good guy, and doesn't deserve what happened to him. No one does.

According to Alex Belth, Larry has a Paypal account on his site where people can make donations to help him during this difficult time.

Give it a thought.

Nothing But Greenery Approximately four

Nothing But Greenery

Approximately four seconds. Give or take a few fractions of a moment.

That's how long it took Tom Brady, protected by the fortress of his offensive line, to scan the field, cock his arm, and unleash the bomb that would devastate Pittsburgh.

David Givens, Brady's first read, was running an inside route about ten yards away, in the thick of the swarming Steeler linebacker corps. His second was shadowing Givens another ten yards away, and was similarly pursued by the Steelers' secondary.

Sixty yards downfield, Deion Branch was motoring toward the end zone.

Brady patted the ball. He looked left. He looked right. He caught the attention of the Steelers linebackers balanced on tiptoe, pausing to follow his eyes over the chaos in the trenches at the line of scrimmage. And then he looked right again, toward Givens, who was struggling to get open.

The linebackers bit.

Before he even looked back, Brady's arm was in motion, releasing a towering Hail Mary pass downfield. Without even looking back to check on Branch, he delivered a pass priority air-mail, hitting No. 83 in stride for the touchdown that drove the first stake through the heart of the Steel City.

This single play was the portent that told Patriots fans who might have bought into the hype about the Steelers' defensive strengths, their rookie phenom quarterback, their ravenous fans, to sit back and relax. This was the turning point, the subtle moment where Tom Brady once again rose above his counterparts on the field and delivered when it mattered.

It wasn't even so much the fact that the pass was such a Kodak moment--spinning out of the sky as if dropped from the clouds, whistling into Branch's outstretched hands as he pulled just a step away from his defender--it was the finesse, the sheer, raw ability involved that is so often overlooked in Tom Brady.

Because Bill Belichik and Charlie Weiss can draft the scheme. Givens and Branch can run the routes. The offensive line can block. But when it comes down to that four seconds, and the choices there are to make--Givens or Branch? Ten yards and a first down, or 60 and a touchdown? Average or brilliant? Enough or above and beyond? There is no one in the spotlight but Tom Brady, alone in the pocket, reading the field.

There is an element there that can't be coached, or taught, or manufactured. There is an almost diabolical cleverness to the way Brady deliberately looked the linebacker toward Givens, baited him, faked him with nothing but his face. And then launched that pass without hesitation--knowing he had his man, knowing his own ability, having absolute confidence in his knowledge of what was unfolding.

For a quarterback, the game is little more than situational ethics. Everything is relative. Peyton Manning, after all, is sitting at home after breaking the record for touchdown passes in a single regular season. Tom Brady has thrown a fraction of Manning's number of downfield bombs, but it is their context, not their volume, that makes them great. And making those split-second moves in context is what Tom Brady is, what he means to the franchise and the fans of New England, and the game itself.

Still, if the post-game press conferences are any indication, it's not catching on. And as reporters tossed out careless questions toward the pinstripe-suited Brady, he seemed more perturbed behind the microphone than he ever had behind his tackles. One question in particular seemed to offend him--something along the lines of "how is it that you can function under the pressure of the playoffs?"

Brady stopped. He lowered his eyes. His congenial smile faded. "How is it...that I can function." He repeated quietly.

Some people still don't get it.

I, on the other hand, will never doubt him again.

Of course, as those in the Patriots organization will tell you endlessly, it's a team sport, a team effort, and no one player can carry the day. And this is true. Because while Brady's contributions were phenomenal, they were complemented by the performance of Corey Dillon and the defense, which proved good for four turnovers. Including an 87-yard interception return for a touchdown by Rodney Harrison.

And so in the midst of it, though it was clumsily phrased, the question had a measure of validity. What is it?, the reporter was trying to say. What is the one factor, the one nugget of truth, to be gleaned from all this, from your performance, from your existence?

The answer remains slippery and elusive, and may only become clear once No. 12 and a soft-spoken head coach have long since hung it up. In the end, there are probably many answers. But the question, at the moment, is what it's all about. Until it's understood why the Patriots do what they do--without the customary explanations for football dominance, mainly revolving around the presence of multiple indespensible marquis players--it may go unacknowledged that they do it.

For fans and gamblers, some of whom, but not all, are the same people, part of enjoying football is the art and science of prediction. Point spreads, picks every week, who's favored, the over-under, whether to take the points...the Patriots defy all that. They are a reliable winning machine, but how they tick remains unclear. Statheads are loath to trust that which they cannot quantify.

But for a fan such as myself, it's something I'm coming to terms with quite nicely, thank you. Of course, I have my own theory, which is plainly that Bill Belichik and Tom Brady are the best coach-quarterback pair ever to suit up for an NFL franchise, and that they will soon be recognized as such. They are a twin miracle, and for now, before they get their due, I have only to be grateful that they have manifested themselves in my hometown's colors.

And to live in the now, in the immediate, the way Belichik does. One spectacular game at a time. To take a small lesson from Rodney Harrison, in his press conference, where he answered the question, "Did it surprise you that there were no Steelers around you when you walked into the end zone?"

"It was just smooth sailing," Harrison said. "It felt good for once to see nothing but greenery."

That's where the Patriots are right now. Smooth sailing--no one around. Passing them all into nothing but greenery.

School's In This is Peyton.

School's In

This is Peyton.

This is Peyton after the Patriots.

This is Ben.

This is Ben after the Patriots.

ANY

QUESTIONS??

More later when I've recovered.

Things About Which I Will

Things About Which I Will Not Write

There have been several stores in the news recently or that have been covered here already before that I have made up my mind not to write about under any circustmances at all, or again. They are:

Ballgate.

Whether or not Curt Schilling pitches "commando".

ANYTHING involving the word "commando".

A-Rod bitching about Curt.

For that matter, Curt flapping his gums about A-Rod, Republicanism, or Jesus.

This.

However, there are some things I have been remiss in not commenting about in the last week or so, and they are:

Bronson and Bellhorn being signed.

Minky vs. Millar

New Sox acquisitions

How hot Tom Brady is, with delicious visual aids

The conversation I had with a random stranger before the glowing altar of a TV playing 3 Games to Glory II for promotional purposes inside CVS.

Any and all recurrences, relapses, revisitations and repeats of the Randy Johnson tantrum.

So that's what I'm not writing about. In the meantime, I have slaved--SLAVED!--to bring you the following pictures from the Patriots' final regular season game at Gillette Stadium. So, in celebration of their hopeful trouncing of the Steelers tomorrow, here is the nonverbal portion of my post for today.

You can be assured there will be more after the AFC Championship game tomorrow, provided the Blizzard of Aught Five doesn't knock out my power.

The Playoffs, Round One

The Playoffs, Round One

Beth: Was that Jets game a disgrace or what?

Sam: No kidding. I only got my hopes up, oh, about 500 times in the course of that one. Thank you, New York. I should know by now to never trust teams coming out of there...

Oh, and the first Eagles TD of the game? Where Freddie Mitchell caught the ball, got back up, and PRETENDED TO PULL HIS PANTS BACK UP, COMPLETE WITH SECURING THE BELT?

I nearly fell off the bed, I was laughing so hard. Then I had to explain to the kid I was watching it with why it was so funny, but damn. Delight.

Mer:I would just like it to be on the record that, no matter what happens in today's game from this point on, I am enjoying this more than I have ever enjoyed a football game. Freddie Mitchell with the pants (and buckling the belt), JR Reed with the 48 yard punt return, McNabb's orgasmic confidence in the pocket, and Mitchell's miracle TD catch after LJ Smith coughed up the ball - this is what I've been waiting all year for.

Beth: You know, I felt the same way watching the Pats. I so hope we have a
Pats-Eagles Super Bowl.

Sam:

"I'm trying to think of what excuses they're saying in their locker room right now," Tedy Bruschi said afterward. "What rules do they want to change now? Maybe it'll be, 'We can't play a game if it snows.' I don't know. I was just tired of it. I was tired of hearing this and that, talking about the last game and how we didn't win the game, they lost the game by giving the ball away. Last time I checked, turnovers are when defenses take it away. And we just took it away again today. To hold that offense to three points, I mean, their players are great. I respect what Peyton Manning did this year. I respect those players. Sometimes you've just got to be quiet and play football."

...

"I'm a special player," he [Freddie Mitchell] said, wearing an Indiana Jones hat and bow tie. "I've just got to thank my hands for being so great. I've just been chillin' being patient, being humble. I knew my time was going to come. I want to say `Hi' to all my new friends out there, those people who doubted me and the receivers."

So I'll just be over there in the corner, giggling happily and saying, "FootballFootballFootball!" over and over again. Goodbye, Viqueens! Goodbye,
Horseshoes! Goodbye, Randy Moss! Goodbye, Peyton Manning! Hee hee.

Beth: They're saying, "He's a freakin' liar and an egomaniac.

He just made it up to cover his big butt.

No Yankee would ever do that."

Sorry. Still can't get over that one from SoSH v. NYYFans.

The thing that rings in my head (well, among others) about all the hype leading into the Pats / Colts game was when someone (I of course can't remember who) said, "The Colts HAVE to win. If they don't, what are they going to say? They have the five-yard rule. The Patriots' secondary is depleted, and there's no Ty Law..."

Seriously. What is going through their heads?

OK, taking a break from searching for Colts quotes to post the following link:

OMG OMG OMG OMG.

Okay. Under control.

From the Indianapolis Star:

"They played ball," said Colts running back Edgerrin James, shrugging. "Bottom line. No tricks. They just played ball."

"(Cory Dillon) made some good runs and was bouncing off people and slashing," Colts coach Tony Dungy said. "That's where they hurt us; they didn't hurt us so much in the passing game, other than a couple of third-down throws."

Oh yeah, Tony, our passing game SUCKED. Sigh!

"They made plays off our mistakes," Colts defensive lineman Raheem Brock said. "We couldn't get off the field. We couldn't get the ball back for our offense."

...

"We never gave ourselves a chance," Colts center Jeff Saturday said.

Okay. Give me just one teeny goddamned break here. Just one, that's all, I promise, kay?

So it's not the fact that the Patriots KICKED YOUR ASS, it's that YOU made "mistakes." Fuck YOU. Where's that patented "tip my cap" response? Where's the CREDIT, now, FINALLY, after the Patriots KILLED you AGAIN?!?! Except for Edgerrin James up above, quotes from the Colts about how well the PATRIOTS played, and maybe, that they were....underestimated? By your team? Just possibly? Are few and far between.

And where's Vanderjerk when you need him, huh? He ran his mouth before the game, he should have to be called to answer afterwards. And who's better qualified to talk on the subject? After all, he's the one who scored the only points for the Colts.

I'm sorry, but there is no football team I have ever hated more than Peyton Manning's Colts. Bunch of fucking MARTYRS.

Sigh. OK. Calm down Beth. PM & Co. are water under the bridge. If we're ripping anyone a new one, it should be the Steelers.

But that's another email.

Although I really do sense a rivalry brewing here at least approaching, if not ever possibly matching, Sox / Yankees. These teams seem to be on a collision course every year, even though they're not in the same division. But the way I see it, PM is this generation's Dan Marino, and Tommy is this generation's Joe Montana. It's kind of a no-brainer who's going to win most of the time, even if the other does put up the gaudy numbers during the regular season.

BTW, on ESPN.com, they TOTALLY stole our idea with >"Snap Judgement."

But, Skip Bayless makes the following very interesting points:

Best Throw of The Week:

Third-and-goal, Patriots, from the Indy five, about a minute and a half left in the third quarter. Patriots leading only 6-3. Brady fades and looks to his first option. Covered. Then his second. Covered. Then he breaks left and escapes the rush. By then, David Givens finally has lost his man. Throwing against his body, the right-handed Brady whips a pass so hard that he fears Givens won't be able to snag it. Givens does. Patriots, 13-3. Colts' resolve, effectively shattered.

...

Worst Throw of The Week:

Here was the flip side of the weekend's best pass. Here was Peyton Manning facing second-and-goal from the five with one more shot before having to settle for a half-ending field goal. Convert, and the Colts would have a 7-6 halftime lead and the momentum after getting outplayed for the first two quarters.

Manning faked to Marvin Harrison in the corner of the end zone and tried to come back to the middle to tight end Dallas Clark -- who had been legally leveled at the goal line. Now what? Manning began to scramble forward, but unlike Brady, Manning isn't poised enough on the move to find an uncovered receiver. He forced a throw to Reggie Wayne that was nearly intercepted by Eugene Wilson. That was the turning point.

Mer: That's not as good as ours...anyone can get guys to talk football. But I like the thing they do with the chart that has each of them answering a handful of questions with three words. We should try that sometime...

I despise Skip Bayless.

So for all the hype, there really wasn't alot of great football this weekend. The Jets/Steelers game was really the most exciting. I was cheering for the Steelers for a handful of reasons. I love Duce Staley, I was watching with a friend who is a Steelers fan, and most of all, we were watching at a bar, and sitting a few seats away was a Jets fan in a Yankee jacket. I did NOT want to see him celebrate. So despite the fact that there were loads of mistakes and it was sloppy at times, it was a great game. And watching the Yankee fan slink out of the bar as yet another of his teams choked in the postseason was highly entertaining.

We watched the Atlanta/St Louis game at a restaurant during dinner, but the game was already over by the time we got our table. Did anyone doubt this would be a blowout? There was a reason STL was a .500 team.

The Pats/Colts game was a disappointment, because I had high hopes for a high scoring game in which momentum would switch back and forth until someone finally came out on top. Instead, the Pats controlled the entire game, the Colts' receivers couldn't get their hands on the ball, and Peyton Manning pulled a Yankees yet again.

As for the Eagles game, I wasn't lying when I said yesterday that I enjoyed it more than any other football game I can remember watching. The media had been going on and on for weeks about how the Birds would be rusty, their offense would be anemic without TO, and Randy Moss would quiet the Philly crowd. Instead, the Eagles dominated the Vikings from the start, giving Eagles fans the kind of game we've been waiting all season for. I can see why this game would have been boring for non-Eagles fans, but I was as giddy as a schoolgirl all afternoon. There were so many highlights that I can't even remember them all. McNabb's pass to Freddie Mitchell for their first TD and Mitchell's subsequent celebration which included mock-pulling his pants up and buckling his belt, Freddie Mitchell recovering LJ Smith's fumble for a TD, a healthy Brian Westbrook tearing it up in his first playoff game, Jevon Kearse and Jeremiah Trotter destroying everything in their path, and McNabb...I will never get tired of watching McNabb in the pocket. Relaxed, patient, cool, calm...the guy is confident and having a blast. You can't ask for much more than that.

Sam: OK, yes, feel a little dirty agreeing with something Skip Bayless wrote, becauseI usually read his articles and end up saying, "Wow, he knows about as much about sports as I do (which ain't much) and writes worse than most blogs I read," at the end of them. But hey, points for New England kowtowing. I can't remember if he picked them to win or not before the game, feel like I saw it on Cold Pizza and promptly forgot.

Beth, the photo of ol' Infinite Audibles? I pretty much sprayed water all over my computer. Thanks. Please tell me you went back and checked out the rest of, ahem, PeytonManning.com. Please tell me you read his 'diaries'. I would like to read you an excerpt from the one he posted up just before last year's AFC Championship game.

Ahem.

"Hello everyone! I know it's been a while since I last checked in, but things have been pretty busy here in Indianapolis. We have been fortunate enough to advance to the AFC Championship Game in New England this weekend. We weren't satisfied with just winning one playoff game [ha ha ha oh God the irony].... Teddy [Two Ds? Since when, Peyton?] Bruschi is sometimes overlooked and underrated, but he's an excellent player. Willlie McGinest has always been awesome [Awesome? What are we, 5?]. Mike Vrabel's a really good player and everyone knows about Ty Law. He is one of the premier players in the league [The prophesy! Of! Dooooom!]."

Hee hee. Well, we know how that one worked out, eh? I do *so* hope that he writes an entry again sometime soon, just to see what sort of mild platitudes he can drudge up to explain away this one.

And hey kids! You too can send your bestest buddies an e-postcard featuring a guy with too many stats and not enough rings! What rollicking good times!

Pretty much the only good thing I can say about it is that the web design is, at least, palatable. As opposed to, say, mannyramirez.com, which mostly makes me want to start sobbing uncontrollably and hang up my mouse for ever and ever. I love the guy, but someone please get him a goddamn webdesigner who is over the age of 13 and not blind in one eye.

Beth: I'm not even familiar with Skip Bayless. I just liked what he said in that instance.

Peytonmanning.com continually cracks me up. I have seen most of the pics on there, Sam...have you seen the one where he's sitting on Santa's lap?

Freddie Mitchell's celebration and pimped-out post-game press conference were wonderful. And I was rooting for the Eagles, Mer, even if you ARE rooting for the Steelers. Although I can understand wanting to hand New York more misery. It's got to be a little unnerving for Steelers fans, though, the way they squeaked by; I never expected the Jets to give the Steelers as much of a run for their money as they did. Maybe it was just the matchup.

As for Roethlisberger being at a disadvantage because he's a rookie, I don't buy it. I remember a certain other second year quarterback that became the Super Bowl MVP four years ago...

Mer: Skip Bayless is cocky. He gets off on criticizing athletes and seemingly always has something negative to say. I can't watch him on ESPN for more than a minute before I want to reach through my TV and throttle him. Also, he used to work at my station.

I'll see if I can go back and find some of the stuff that Freddie Mitchell has said in the past. His interviews are always the best. I fell in love with him the first time I saw an interview with him in which he referred to himself as "The People's Champ."

And the only reason I'm cheering for the Steelers (and believe me, it's hard to root for the Burger) is because I always cheer against the favorite when my team isn't involved. The Pats are favored and have won 2 SuperBowls already. I love me some Tom Brady, but I'd like to see someone else get a ring. Plus, that will leave Brady more time for modeling in his underwear and stuff.

Beth: The Burger!

Sam: The Burger is pretty much all I refer to him as. That, or Roethlisbergeregerererererer.

But whatever you call him, I'm much less afraid of him in this upcoming game than I am of the Busboy and Dunce Staley. The thought of them running over our guys gives me THE FEAR. I feel like we have a better chance of stopping The Burger than we do them...although, again, I feel like the Colts didn't take full advantage of our weak secondary. Can't for the life of me figure out why, but if the Steelers do we may be in trouble.

In any event, one of the fibers coordinators today asked me how the football game went, because I had been freaking out so often and so vocally before it that even the people who care more about getting enough soda ash into the dye than getting footballs into the endzone knew there had been a big game. I consider it my sacred duty, bringin' sports into the clannish art school. Like Curt Schilling and his Jesus-lovin', only hopefully less creepy.

Beth: Winning Souls for Tommy, that's how I put it. And I am also like that,
esp. at my workplace. Except in my workplace we have a Steelers fan. And this Steelers fan--who went to Pitt, whose father was an original investor and season ticket holder in the franchise, so he has a decent excuse--has talked so much smack, that I finally said to him, "You know, if the Steelers lose, it's going to be very difficult for me to have much sympathy for you at all."

Of course, being a Steelers fan, he didn't care.

Being the superstitious sort, I don't like the Patriots being favored. That bodes ill to me. I was actually rubbing my hands together saying, "Yeess...Yesss....GOOOOD..." when all the talking heads were all PM this and PM that, because the more they hyped Indy, the more sure I was that the Patriots were going to be able to fly under the radar, and when the time was right, come out of nowhere to kick righteous ass.

Sometimes I truly don't know how the national talking heads arrive at their picks. Because back at the end of the regular season, people were reasonable about it, half picking Indy, half picking NE, if they even played each other, etc. Then PM goes and has a 450,000-point game against a fraudulent Denver team and all of a sudden everyone's running to the betting booths like their assholes are on fire to put money on the Colts. Then the broadcasters, I think some at first wanting to be "innovative", wanting to be the guy who was right about something, started picking Indy. Then the rest followed, because it was the trendy pick. Pretty soon people were rationalizing away the Patriots' strengths, hyping up the absence of Ty Law and Richard Seymour, and not taking note of PM's record in Foxboro, esp. in the
playoffs.

True, PM had an historic year, but I think what it might come down to is that a lot of ppl on the National scene were rooting for Indy, because it would make a great story. Peyton's revenge. Like the Red Sox finally overcoming the Yankees, only football style, where the national pundits have been STARVING for an icon. For whatever reason, all the excellent quarterbacks fail to cut it as the Golden Boy, and
PM seems to be the one they'd like to anoint. But he keeps falling short. So in a way, this becomes his mystique--when is Peyton going to do it? IS Peyton going to do it?

They get focused on the story line. Because at the end of the day, they're storytellers. Not really football experts. You'll notice that Dan Marino, Mike Ditka and Boomer Esiason--all of whom have been IN the game--refused to pick against the Patriots. It was Greg Gumbel types who started picking the Colts.

Also because Dan Marino sees Peyton, and knows all too well what will unfold for him, because Dan Marino sees Peyton, and sees himself.

But meanwhile, now that the pundits look like buffoons, they start kicking themselves for the previous pick and start favoring NE, esp. since the Steelers looked shakier than predicted against the Jets.

And I start to get nervous.

However. This is not to say I'm starting to doubt the Patriots. Because what has panned out at least over the last few years more often than not is that the Pats under Belichik don't believe the hype--either for themselves or any of their opponents. That's one of the many reasons why I LOVE THEM.

*eep* Me: Um...I'm going to

*eep*

Me: Um...I'm going to need more time on this project, I'm afraid. My Boss: Hmm...ok. That's fine. How about you come in and do it Sunday? Me: [Has stroke, heart attack, aneurysm and grand mal seizure all at once] My Boss: Whoa, Beth, I'm joking.

Playing Grab-Ass on the Field

Playing Grab-Ass on the Field

"That's what really convinced me he was ready," said (Phil) Simms. "He jogged the length of the field as usual. Mr. Cool. then, in the far end zone, he stopped and went wild interacting with the fans, jumping, gyrating, and gesturing. We went, 'Wow.' It was a pretty neat moment. Then he jogged back up the field, Mr. Cool Again." --Phil Simms on Tom Brady before last Sunday's game

Love. Lovelovelovelovelove. Love.

Love.

Little Light Today So let's

Little Light Today

So let's go to the Land of Make-Believe, shall we? And imagine what it would be like...if Beth met Tom Brady...

(Wayne's World Style dream-sequence action:) Doodlee-doo, Doodlee-doo, Doodlee-doo...

Beth: Um, hi. Welcome to Cursed and...First. I'm.. Beth.. and, my guest tonight is... one of the... greatest sex--uh, football. I guess, quarterback, ever. [ Smacks herself] GOD! That sounds stupid! God, I'm an idiot! I never know how to start these things!

Tom Brady: You're doing great, Beth.

Beth: [ hopeful ] Really? No, I'm not. [ hyperventilating ] Anyway... I guess... I didn't have, have to say, who you were, because... man, I mean... everyone knows who you are. Mmm... you're Tom Brady.

Tom Brady: Well, it's great to be here.

Beth: [ uncomfortable ] You... you... you remember when you like, won two Super Bowls?

Tom Brady: Yeah, sure.

Beth: That was awesome!

Tom Brady: Yeah, it was.

Beth: O-kay... Oh! You... you remember when you were down by one point... and, uh, and Adam missed the field goal, and... and everything..?

Tom Brady: Well, to be honest, Beth, I'd kind of like to forget all of that.

Beth: [ smacks herself harder ] IDIOT!! That's so stupid! What a dumb question!!

Tom Brady: No, no, no, Beth. I get asked that all the time in interviews. Bob Lobel asked the same question last week.

Beth: Really? [ pause ]

[long pause]

[Tom Brady starts to get uncomfortable]

Beth: That's pretty awesome. [ pause ]

Tom Brady: O-kay...

Beth: Remember... you remember when you were in the Super Bowl, and you were down a point, and, uh, Carolina scored a touchdown, and, like, uh, went for two points, and they, like, didn't make it, and, then you came back out on the field, and uh, everyone knew you were going to win anyway?

Tom Brady: Yeah...

Beth: That was awesome.

Tom Brady: Um...

("Raw Material" for this ripoff brilliant piece stolen found here)