WHY I HATE THE COLTS
(...enough to have been rooting--at least in spirit--for the Steelers last night, something I never thought I'd find myself doing, and do you have any idea the cognitive dissonance I experienced, and all for naught???!?!?!)
I hate the Colts first of all because they are whiners. The 5-Yard-Chuck rule. The bullshit excuses for why they never won at Gillette Stadium. The Peyton Manning Face.
How can you like a team with a whining pantywaist like Peyton Manning at the helm? And if you have any doubt he's a whining pantywaist, check out this embarrassing story, recently published in Rick Reilly's column in Sports Illustrated:
I remember one year, Peyton got tackled too hard. He was only about six or seven. And he was so mad he was crying. He wanted to quit. I wouldn't let him. I was filming the whole thing. And all of a sudden, Peyton's in the lens, his face purple. And he snarls at me, 'I'm gonna tell Mom what her Christmas present is!'"
Good to know Peyton was just as smackable as a child as he is today.
Oh, and you know who told Reilly that story for all the world to read?
His father. His own father told that horrible, humiliating, embarrassing story to an SI writer. All I can say to that is: PWN3D. What a loser.
Anyway, I could bash Peyton Manning all day, but there are many other reasons to hate the Colts, so moving on...
Where specific players are concerned, while Peyton Manning irritates the crap out of me, Mike Vanderjagt is the biggest asshole EVER. I mean, EVER.
I mean, LOOK at this fucking asshole:
God, just looking at that one picture makes me want to claw out my own eyeballs and run down the street, screaming and trying to pelt people with my clawed out eyeballs. MY OWN EYEBALLS, PEOPLE.
But I'm NOT DONE!
Even more than their inbred hick quarterback or their asshole kicker, what makes me hate the Colts is the fact that they are showboaters, full of bravado and bullshit about "Start making our rings now." Then they come to Gillette, get spanked, and don't seem to understand why they're jackasses.
But most of all, even on top of all of that...I hate the Colts because despite the fact that they are whiners, and showboaters, their quarterback is irritating, their kicker is an asshole, and that it has taken them since 1994 to win ONE game at Gillette Stadium against the Patriots, and lost to the Patriots twice in a row in the playoffs, EVERY SINGLE YEAR the national media convinces itself the Colts are the second coming of Christ. EVERY SINGLE YEAR in whatever bye weeks come between regular season and playoffs, they work themselves into enough of a delusional frenzy to first start picking the Colts, and then trashing the Patriots in anticipation of the game...DESPITE THE FACT THAT THE PATRIOTS HAVE WON EVERY TIME.
So far, Indy has failed, and failed utterly, to put their actual play on the field where their goddamn hugeass mouths are. But so far, the national media has failed to care.
Nothing irks me more than the fact that the Patriots have clearly been the better team for all these years, and yet you can FEEL how much the national talking heads are pulling for the Colts. You can FEEL how badly they wish they could STOP talking about the Patriots and simply fellate Peyton Manning, since chicks dig the long ball and the forward pass and touchdown records and not this, you know, team and winning stuff. You can feel how they can't WAIT to stop having to cover plain, grey, frumpy Bill Belichick and get more great shots of that IRRITATING AND RETARDED thing the Asshole Kicker and punter do after a kick. For whatever reason, they are drawn to this frequently overrated, frequently beaten in the big time dome team like moths to flame.
And so. The Patriots have won three of the last four Super Bowls, and were it not for more injuries than any team can really sustain, they'd probably be nipping at the Colts' heels this season if not beating them...again. I still think the Patriots will be the dominant team in this decade, and the fact that they're still above .500 this year is actually pretty impressive, considering. But is anybody considering? Absolutely not. They have the opportunity to salivate during, say, a Toilet Bowl game between Kansas City and Houston about "How good Peyton Manning is," and that's all they care about.
If Indianapolis goes to and wins the Super Bowl this year, you can bet they will act as if they are the first team ever to win anything. The Patriots will be discounted and forgotten, and idiots like Michael Irvin and Shannon Sharpe will be ecstatic because they can now rejoice in the Colts and forget about the Patriots. Somehow, if the Colts go undefeated this season and / or win the Super Bowl, the Patriots will have disappeared completely off the map. How do I know this? Because these same idiots could hardly bring themselves to talk about them even when they were the ones winning. Now the Colts are winning, and screw you, New England! Peyton Manning YAY YAY YAYYYYY We were right about him all along YAY YAY YAYYYYY
Having to watch that would pretty much make me projectile vomit repeatedly until Spring Training starts.
And that is why I hate the Colts.