Chicks Talk Football: hot off the press, ya hurd?
Moving on. Oh, have I got a Friday treat for you, kids.
I decided to pop on over to Ben Roethlisberger's Typepad site last night to see if there was anything new
to make fun of posted.
Oh, and there WAS.
Ben had a little contest where people--sometimes grown people--dressed up as him for Halloween and then submitted pictures for judging. A picture of each entrant is up in a separate photo album.
Let's dig in, shall we?
What is going on here? Kid's got on a generic knockoff sweatshirt, not a jersey like most of the rest of them, and there's a big random black dog standing in the middle of the picture. Also, the kid is throwing a gang sign. WTF?
This guy is guilty of child abuse, and it has been captured on film.
So many things wrong here. It looks like this guy cut up a refrigerator box and stuck the top around his shoulders and then crammed a XXXXL jersey down over it to approximate shoulder pads. Also he is holding a beer and appears to be at a Halloween party in someone's "rec room". Also he obviously spent good money on getting a pair of BRIGHT YELLOW FOOTBALL PANTS. This is supposed to be a grown-assed man. What the hell kind of adult buys BRIGHT YELLOW FOOTBALL PANTS? And allows himself to be photographed in them? In someone's rec room while holding a beer?
Wow. Just, wow. The true piece de resistance to this picture is the sparkly sequined black armband.
This kid gets shoved into a locker every single morning before school.
I have debated whether or not to call the ASPCA over this particular shot. The kid, meanwhile, looks like a young Eminem. Watch out for him.
This child looks like he wants to eat my braaaaaaiiins.
So much food for thought in the expression of the man on the right.
What has someone done to this poor child? Attempted to drown him in a pool of terrible towels? Are the towels closest to his shirt actually attached to it? Are the towels attempting to eat him?
This one leaves me damn near speechless. I absolutely guffawed when I first saw it. You know what? There are no words. Just look at it and weep.
This one looks like someone's having a yard sale of all their old Steelers memorabilia and threw in the kid with the rest for half price.
Note to this person: Eyeblack is not supposed to look like you attempted to put on your eyeliner while blindfolded.
This dog...has what appears to be...a face painted...Steelers logo...with a flower around it...oh my GOD.
This kid is going to grow up to arm-wrestle unsuspecting strangers in honky tonk bars for beer money.
Somewhere, William Wegman weeps.
Hmm. I've never seen a child look so much like a police sketch of their adult selves.
It must be difficult having a father in a constant roid rage.
It was tremendously difficult to pinpoint what's ultimately most disturbing about this entrant, but I'm going to have to go with the football jacket with the name of Ben Roethlisberger's dog on it that the dog is wearing.
I'm just going to let this one speak for itself.
I can only imagine the kind of psychotic parent who orchestrated this.
This poor child has no legs. WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK HER BEN YOU SON OF A BITCH? You got something against legless kids being devoured by headache-inducing Steelers sheets? HUH?
This kid has "Calvin" written all over him.
Next time you want to look like a football player, Paris Hilton, you might want to ease up on the pink eyeshadow.
Somehow, she manages to look less retarded than he does.
I smell therapy in their future...
Child or dog? You decide.
I suppose if your child bears a striking resemblance to Chucky, dressing him up as Ben Roethlisberger might actually help his image.
Dear God, I hope it's permanent.
His parents make him sleep in that little cubbyhole behind the curtain.
Someone either allowed this child to take a permanent marker to his face, or did it for him. Shudder.
LEARN TO USE A SCANNER. At the very least, the "crop" tool in ANY PHOTO EDITING SOFTWARE would work just as well.
And finally...the creme de la creme...the kicker...the cherry on top of the gooey, melting sundae of deliciousness...
Personally, my winner would definitely, far and away, have been this one. I really cannot even imagine a more ridiculous, unbelievable and possibly sacreligious picture than that.
P.S. Hey, the commenters liked it, anyway:
Hey..that was so a great idea with the best haloween pics..it's great what you do for your fans..Big Ben..you so great..i saw you on the sideline at the homegame to the browens..and i saw your eyes..and i saw in your eyes that you wane play..and it makes you cracy to stand outside and that you can't play..i think..but you came back strong,healty and tough..i know it..but i think it needs a bit more time..i hope really that i meet you when i'm the next time in pittsburgh..i saw you but i wane meet you and it's enough for me when it's only a moment...i think on you all the time..you makes me so cracy..and it's carcy...take care Baby..relax..and i want that you play without pains...see yaaa..yours karin
Another choice comment:
I think that it is absolutley wonderful that you chose children as winners of the contest. Children are amazing little creatures, so full of life love and energy!!! I also want to wish you all the best with your knee and hope to see you on the field soon. I was reading some of your entires and noticed that you put Zeus in a kennel? I have some services you maybe interested in, contact me for information. If you want him treated and loved the way you would let me know, including his own bed (real bed not puppy bed) and run area!!!
What's worse, the woman with a possibly terminal inability to spell hitting on him, or the woman hitting on his dog?
Just one more before I go:
PLEASE BET THE BENGALS