8:10 pm Puff Daddy sucks. I have always felt this way, even when I was a senior in high school and he and Biggie had just come out with "Mo Money Mo Problems". I've never understood what people find compelling about a guy who raps and looks like he has a rare facial-paralysis condition. Puff Daddy also sucks at lip synching.
I love, though, that Steelers fans booed Puffy, not because they have good taste or anything, but because he was singing a song whose title contains the word "Miami". They are such simple creatures, Steelers fans.
8:11 pm Daunte Culpepper, however, just shown in the locker room listening to an iPod, appears to lip-synch very well. Or at least more enthusiastically than Puffy.
Now I have to watch the latest and greatest Peyton Manning commercial. "6' 5" 230 pound quarterbacks...laser rocket arm..." it's almost masturbatory. I wonder if Peyton dresses up in that wig and makes passes at himself in the mirror. I bet that happens.
Anyway, speaking of Mannings, I'm not taking the "Meteor Option" on this game, because I'm saving mine for Sunday's Manning Bowl.
8:13 pm What are they going to do when the NFL Films announcer guy dies? Or have they already replaced the NFL Films announcer before, and I didn't even know the difference?
8:14 pm I don't even know what the fuck this is on stage right now. Although they're blaspheming Aerosmith in multiple ways with a Terrible Towel wrapped around one of the mic stands.
8:17 pm Charlie Batch. Heh.
8:20 pm The blue-haired bobble-troll guy in the NFL commercial? I approve.
8:21 pm Oh, a Steelers Super Bowl championship celebration in which we have to discuss not just last year's championship but every one ever. Hope you don't mind if I go poke myself in the eye with a fork instead.
8:28 pm Pet Peeves about the National Anthem as sung at Sporting Events, Part 34235: Singers, like Martina McBride, who sing...it...so...slowly...that you can't help but think you could be an entire touchdown-scoring offensive series into the game by the time they're done.
8:30 pm I have to give it up for the Bus coming in on an actual bus. But why did he run out of it holding his crotch?
8:34 pm Pink. Computer animated. On top of a glittery building. While Godzilla-sized football players loom above her and ant-sized floods of people fill the urban canyon below. And her dress. I don't remember doing any acid tonight...
8:37 pm When did John Madden turn 140 years old?
Also, let's review what has happened to the Burger in the last six months: severe helmetless motorcycle accident; broken appendage; emergency appendectomy. And there he is on the sideline. God either really, really loves him, or He really, really hates Patriots fans right now.
8:42 pm Confidential to the NBC Announcer: It is okay to shut up for one fucking second every now and again. Those of us watching out here in TV-land can see that the ball fell off the tee before the Steelers' kicker could get to it the first time. We don't need your analysis on that.
8:44 pm How is Ricky Williams out of the NFL and Troy Polamalu goes unscathed? I ask you.
Dolphins' passing game is decent, but the Steelers are stuffing the run with a vengeance.
Meanwhile, I think being forced to listen to a hypothetical broadcasting team of Tim McCarver and John Madden would be my own personal hell. Seperately, they're bad enough.
8:46 pm I have hit upon a rooting scheme--I'm rooting for each team's defense. I don't want anyone to score touchdowns, basically. That's the way I'm rationalizing this game.
8:48 pm Scratch that...Peyton Manning and Alex Rodriguez doing a commercial together would be my own personal hell.
8:49 pm Announcing himself and his college, Charlie Batch's voice sounds disturbingly like Tom Brady's. Thankfully, this is where the resemblance ends.
I hate to say this, since as a Pats fan I should be rooting for Miami to lose, but I think I just plain hate the Steelers more.
HA HA NICE CATCH NATE WASHINGTON.
8:51 pm Walt Coleman of Tuck Rule Fame is refereeing tonight. I feel sort of sad for him that after 18 seasons in the NFL, the Tuck Rule will probably be in his obituary.
8:54 pm The Bus is now officially retired. Is Hines Ward crying?
Joey Porter sacks Daunte Culpepper, and proceeds with his post-sack jig to solidify my deep, deep hatred of the Steelers, Pittsburgh and all they stand for.
8:55 pm NICE PASS TO MARTY BOOKER'S FEET, CULPEPPER, YOU SHITBRICK.
8:59 pm I would also like to express my bitter frustration with Sports Illustrated and their lamebrained AFC East rankings in their NFL Preview issues, in which apparently a Ricky-Williams-less Miami Dolphins team, now that they've added a quarterback who never did anything even with one of the elite WR's of the league in the weak-assed NFC Central, will find this enough of an addition to win the division over the Patriots. Because, as their lamebrained article explains, the Patriots lost players to free agency, and despite the fact that it's won three of the last five Super Bowls, Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli's system can't possibly overcome that.
Now I hate Miami more.
9:04 pm Can John Madden work the phrase "flea flicker" in one more time before we go to commercial break? The suspense...I can't take it.
9:09 pm Teams don't practice in pads or do two-a-days in the preseason anymore, and therefore they're a bunch of soft Nancy-boys at the beginning of the season in the running game. Why, back in John Madden's day, runningbacks practiced in the off-season by bullfighting in Madrid.
9:15 pm John Madden doesn't know if the Steelers should be going for it on 4th down. John Madden apparently has not been paying attention to Bill Cowher for very long. The Steelers ALWAYS go for it on fourth down, regardless.
Oh, wait. Bill Cowher won something for once in his life last year. So the other half-dozen times he run-on-fourth-down-regardlessed his team out of a title don't count.
Now I hate the Steelers more.
9:21 pm Touchdown Steelers. Acrobatic catch by Nate Washington. The Burger demonstrating that he can count to "one" and grin vacantly on the sideline.
9:25 pm Al Michaels: "When you play with a guy named Cadillac, you're always going to be the second guy." Words to live by.
9:32 pm Marty Booker had his bell rung but good on that touchdown play. He looks like he's gone a few bouts in the ring coming off the field.
9:44 pm I can't think of much more to say about this game at this point. I call my dad, hoping he'll say something pithy.
"Not a real strong game," he says, diplomatically. "Well, maybe good defense."
"Is it good defense, or just crappy offense?"
"That is the eternal question."
9:47 pm First and goal Miami. Just noticed the score / time / down / yard strip is at the bottom of the screen in the New NBC Era of Football. I kind of like it, actually.
9:50 pm Oh, I forgot. Touchdown Miami.
9:51 pm Ricardo Coakley runs halfway to Timbuktu on the next kickoff. Then the Steelers get a holding penalty and pull it all the way back. I don't know what's worse--back-to-back ridiculous runs or stupid penalties.
9:53 pm So much for good defense. Willie Parker runs about 180 yards downfield on the very next snap.
Now we get a nice flashback clip of Parker's last long run, which was in the Super Bowl. That the Steelers won.
I hate the Steelers.
9:56 pm Touchdown Steelers.
10:10 pm Miami field goal. Apparently there will be scoring on every possession. Hope you all took the over.
10:11 pm Both Manning brothers mugging on screen. I knew I should've done some hard drugs before this game (maybe it would've made Pink's opener more pleasant).
10:46 pm While I was away, this game didn't skip a beat. 17-14 Miami. Track meet.
11:02 pm The Steelers end an 81-yard drive with a turnover. Fumble. Right on the goal line. Shit. Yes.
11:06 pm SPECTACULAR CATCH by Chris Chambers at the 20 to convert for the first down after a near-interception on the previous play by Polamalu. EAT IT, TOWELS.
11:14 pm I actually like that Toyota commercial where people are talking to their cars. Clearly I should go to bed.
11:18 pm I must've dozed off there. Heath Miller just chugged many yards for a touchdown. 20-17 Steelers. He technically was out of bounds, but if they get the kick off before the challenge...and they do. Miami's coach threw the challenge flag before the kick but the refs just ignored it. Why did he wait until everything was set up for the kick and all of the refs were watching the PAT?
He even did a little one-two-three with the challenge flag, just to throw it out as sloooowwwly as possible. WTF?
11:26 pm NOW Polamalu gets the interception. Culpepper and that #1 RANKED MIAMI TEAM are now being beaten like rented mules. It feels dirty, but I'm kind of liking it.
11:35 pm Another Pittsburgh interception. Joey Porter takes it to the house. Trying to ignore the Terrible Towels waving (anyone remember when Deion Branch asked, "Where's your towel?") and focus on the fact that SI CAN KISS OUR NEW ENGLAND ASSES.
11:37 pm John Madden: "Did Joey Porter just kiss [Cowher] on the neck?"
Al Michaels: "Yes he did. A little buss, but not from the Bus."
Wow. The intergenerational Pittsburgh sideline love, and that joke.
11:39 pm Randy McMichael just got JACKED UP by Brian McFadden. Who is now posing, flexing and taunting all the way to the sideline.
I hate the Steelers.
11:40 pm Culpepper sacked. Joey Porter gives the "Culpepper Roll" and a weird leg-kick. Culpepper promptly converts the next down on the next play with a long pass. Another first down to McMichael across the 50, but inept Miami gets called for holding. I don't know who I want to lose more at this point. I may have gone back toward rooting against the Steelers again, but Miami's ineptness is not endearing. First and a train ride. Daunte tries a Hail Mary and it plunks in a stretch of empty field. Roethlisberger is shown on the sidelines smiling smugly. Why am I watching this.
11:42 pm Cullpepper sacked again. Two-minute warning. Good night, Irene.
11:43 pm Another Manning Bowl commercial. Starring John Madden. Sigh.
P.S. In case you aren't satisfied by the level of ice-cold haterade in this post, check out this masterpiece over on Soxaholix. It covers everything: the strange but inevitable comparisons of Peyton Manning and A-Rod, links to further hater-pieces, and even a YouTube hater video. Peyton Manning haters, that is the post for you!
At least, I know it was for me.